For the past year i been stuck on my past. Today i can finally say I am over it. Your past does not define you. It was hard to realize because I been through a lot. I had abusive and torturous parents. I never did good in school you name I had horrible relationships. After a year of working on myself I can finally say I am okay. I feel good life is not over.
I am now 28 For some reason or another my mom would always complain about not having money. At the time I got my first computer A Gateway GX400 400mhz computer with 10gb of storage. I would surf the internet mostly about wrestling. Somehow i stumbled on Angelfire which was a website where you can create a website they offered 5mb of storage. Back then there was no google and the only search engine was Altavista I played around and created my first website called wrestling superstars about what was called back then the WWF. I would constantly update and add new pages for superstars. I also made the graphics in Microsoft Word I spent most of my time in AOL chat rooms promoting my website. When I was around I found you can make money from your website. It was a website called paypopup.com which paid you to have popups on your website (sorry). I bought my first domain shawnhbk.com and I got my first pay check for $800. That was the beginning of the end my narcissistic mother went nuts she decided that I cannot be making that much money at such a young age. It destroyed my spirit and my I took the ads off. :-(. A few weeks later I was at stop and shop at my first job as a bagger. But somehow my entrepreneur spirit never died. A few month later I was buying nintendo games on eBay in lots meaning twenty plus games at once then selling them individually. So I would buy twenty games for $20 bucks with five dollar shipping. Sell them individually for 1-10 dollars deepening on the game. Plus $5 dollars shipping so from 25 dollars i would make make $75 to a $150 dollars profit. Which was a lot more then from the 65 dollar pay check a I was getting at stop and shop as a baggar. That is till my mother found and decided I was ripping people off. My business closed doors that day. :-(. I did not know what to do looking back on it i felt like my mom taught me you have to do something you hate to make money. Instead of something you enjoy. Thank god I was smart enough to quit the job at stop and shop and get myself a job at a local pawn shop. Which was doing exactly what I was doing with my Nintendo games except on a larger scale.
I was still confused how can this guy make so much money doing something so easy and I am working for him. So one day I decided to ask my mother she explained to me I do not have enough experience my spirit got squashed that day I got very confused about the meaning of life. After three years i decided to quit my job at the pawn shop. Go to school for computer repair which is something I hated. However it made a lot of money my mother said. Which i was very excited about. As I am writing this article i realized that my mother had a lot of very negative influence on my career. I spent a entire eight years bouncing between corporations and hating my job . Making some good money developing a mental illness in the process from being so miserable. Until about two years ago when I decided to get back into web design. My “passion”. After about three months I made a successful website called exphonebook.com which made enough money that I could get my own apartment and not have to work anymore. (It doesn’t anymore). My mental illness got really bad to the point I stopped paying attention to it and the server would crash for a weeks at a time. I cannot write anymore because this getting too touchy for me.
I am about to be homeless. But here a few thing i learned about business and family and friends
- Friends and family want to see you fail.
- Do not surround yourself with Yes man people that tell you everything your doing is a good idea.
- Do what you love no matter what.
- Always follow your heart
Maybe i will continue this article some other time. Please share your experience in the comments.
Find out the root cause for me it was being bored and I associated the women with fun. I wasn’t working or doing anything productive. So every time I would get bored and i would call her up and hang out with her. The problem is when you associate a emotion with a person. You want more and more of them creating a codependent relationship. Eventually she started pushing me away. I was surprised and couldn’t understand what was going on. Eventually she started saying no more and more. Till it got to the point where I got obsessed . I knew it was a problem when I called her 30 times because i wanted to hang out. A lot of i believe has to do with not getting attention from my mother. Here is the solution:
Get a freaking life
Once I realized what was going on. I started having fun by myself. I started writing in this blog. Going to gym and going for hikes enjoying the scenery. I went fishing and had fun fishing by self. I signed up for college classes. I started going to meetup.com groups.I started having fun with other friends. No other way. The obsession went away naturally.
Sitting with feeling works it helped me out a lot today. Instead of running from it and keeping yourself occupied with distractions just feel the feelings till they go away.Unless your thoughts are running from your feelings. You have to feel the feeling without any thoughts coming in. Just feel the feeling.
I grew up with very little attention from my parents here is some ways wrestling influenced my belief system.
- I never back down from a fight for fear of being booed LOL or fear of not being liked.
- I never cheat in a fight. Fear of being disqualified and not winning the title
- I refuse authority especially my boss…Stone cold steve austion
- I drink a lot of beer. To be tough lol
- I am into martial arts. Just in case i get challenged to a fight.
- I am really good at talking smack. From watching all the interviews.
- I need a lot of attention. Just like all the wrestlers in the ring.
- Try everything and anything don’t let anyone stop you. Take a long trip talk to stranger and try to find people that want the same thing out of life like you do! Explore do not be afraid to ask questions.
- You know what it is do not lie to yourself that you do not. There might be some excuses and lies to yourself why you cannot do it. Like you are too old but you know what it is. So just do it!
- Do not let other people stop you no matter what do not listen to your parents and especially your friends. Your friends say they want you to win but, secretly want you to fail.
- Make sure it’s what you love to do not what makes a lot of money.
So I had not one but two abusive parents. But today I want to talk about my mother. She was very emotionally unavailable which means I was not nurtured or cared for. One sad story is my mother destroying my dreams. When I was in 7th grade I made a website about my favorite wrestler Shawn Michaels. I put some ads on it just to see what would happen a follower designer or webmaster (haha) told me about making money from websites. I told my mom and she said it’s probably a scam. I decided to try it anyways. Before I knew it I had a pay check for $800 in my mailbox when I showed it to my mother she freaked out and started screaming you will not be making money at such a young age! I really enjoyed making website and could not understand why it was so bad to make money on it! From then on I took all the ads off my websites. And made them from time to time but, not the ones I liked just the ones that were okay. Now I know a part of my died that day. When I was 16th I got a job at stop & shop for $98.00 dollars a week my mother was so proud but, I hated the job! She consciously or unconsciously thought me that doing is what is fun and what is meant to make money are two separate things. I am 28 years old now at the verge of bankruptcy and homelessness. I ended up in the corporate world. Doing a job I hate which is fixing computers. That small tiny incident when I was 13 shaped my life when I was 28th I cannot believe it. When your kid finds something they love to do when they are 13 let them do it! Some side effects of destroying your kids dreams.
- Depression – sadness
- Anger – being mad at the world – I cannot do what I love
- Mental Illness tell you about some other time
Do you ever go out shopping or walk down the street and see a beautiful women you want to approach? The easiest way to do it is to give yourself the two second rule. Count to two and either approach or don’t and forget about her! There is no other way gentleman.
Categories and what they are about.
Philosophy – Why are we here
Psychology – You are here because you have this mental problem.
Religion – God is testing you
History – Actually it was the war that caused it
Science – Bang!
Law – Let’s skip these thick books!
Music – Let’s get super happy or super depressed!
Technology – Never mine I have to fix my computer!
When you are totally out of money near bankruptcy and are about to be homeless. You have no job and have no skills and education.
211 or visit 211.org is your number you can find out where there is the local food pantry. Temporary housing and shelters. Free counselling and job placement. They also offer programs to prevent evictions and utility payments. Some state even offer transportation assistance. Do not be afraid to ask.
Reach out to friends and family. Do not beg for a place to stay instead – Ask if they can help you with finding a job. Which should be your first priority in this problem even if you feel depressed. Maybe they can let you crash at their place for a little bit. For a small feel. talk about your issues and problems maybe they could offer a new prospective wisdom or insight.
Apply apply apply for any and every job your full time job is finding a job. Indeed.com grabs every job from all the job portals including careerbuilder.com and monster.com Craigslist and other job portal websites. After you apply follow up with the company a week later. Say “Hello this is so and so. I am following up on the the resume I submitted last Friday. I wanted to know if you had a chance to review it.” :-). Following up increased my job acquisition rate by 67%. I had a lot of jobs.
Get creative ask your neighbors if you can clean their house mow their lawn. Paint pictures become a Uber driver. Get a loan. Start a business. Start a blog, write a book. There is no limit to the amount of money making ways you can come up with. Create youtube videos (yes youtube.com actually pays you for your creative videos.) The more creative you get the more positive you will become and the better you will be at your interviews!
Ask yourself how did you get into this situation? Was it bad advice from friends. What wrong decisions did you make. What are you going to do in the future to prevent this from happening again. It is very easy to feel sad and depressed. Which will actually make the situation worse! Think positively know things will get better. Keep a mantra “I am not going to be homeless”. Say this to yourself over and over till you get out of this mess and good luck!